I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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