you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The struggles of a small town man whore
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
