They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
