On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
