Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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