Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
