The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
