why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dear god my vagina.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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