My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sex in the backyard? Check.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
