Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
