I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
