No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
