Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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