So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
