Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
