is your mom at the bar?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
