It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
