my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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