you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
