I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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