he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
