omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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