i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
