I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
