I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Someone came in the potted fern
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
