You work out of a Hotel?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
