When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
