If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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