But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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