I met the friendliest cop last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
