I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
