i don't like sucking hair
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
