Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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