i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
