Betty ford says i'm here all night
4 words: hood of his car
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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