Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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