I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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