He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
