speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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