I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm bleeding and have questions
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
