I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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