Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize