I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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