omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
