He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
