and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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