Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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