The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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