I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
