i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
