JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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