I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so let's talk penis.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
