you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
