I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Non-Jews are for practice
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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