He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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