weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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