you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
